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Tiff

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November 16th, 2009

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There was a man who heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood his town.
And that all the residents should evacuate their homes.
But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.'
The waters rose up.
A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.'
But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.'
A helicopter was hovering overhead.
And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.'
But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.
Well, the man drowned.
And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God.
'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?'
God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'

November 15th, 2009

Stream of consciousness.

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Part of a Stream of consciousness project I'm working on. It's almost like I think in rhythm:

Sometimes I feel that I check out of reality, that I am not good at dealing with any kind of stress. Sometimes I think I'll be on cloud nine forever, that I am invincible. I shop. I laugh hard. I breathe easier...then something happens and I completely lose control. I cry so hard that I stop breathing. I've got problems, lots of problems. And I never dreamed of growing up one day and becoming the girl with problems...so many problems. But as crazy as I believe myself to be, I believe in hope. Life is going to be okay, because it has to be. I'm going to fight this. I'm going to grow old and have a big white wedding and a few chubby kids. I'm going to fall in love with someone who starts off as a really good friend. I'm going to love life. I'm going to fuck up on the path to enlightenment but I'm going to free myself from this stupid prison I built for myself. Life is going to test you. God is going to test you...test what you're made of. So I'm going to pray every day, rosary beads and all. I'm going to fall to my knees and pray that I'll make it. I am a joyful girl underneath it all and it's time to love the journey and say fuck you to tomorrow...I'm going to enjoy today.

November 7th, 2009

Ho hum. So hi. I try to update this once in a while, but frankly I suck and neglect to use it as often as I should. What's new? What's new? Well the holidays are approaching and I'm stoked. I got started on my Christmas shopping because I'm slightly overzealous. Whatevs.  I got to see my Cooch and my Katie-MCGoogle on Halloween. I love my girls...always a pleasure. I get to see Meech on 11/17. I'm flying down to North Carolina to see my love and meet her new hubby. Yays! And Chapple is taking  me on a cruise in March...long story but I don't have to pay for like anything and I feel slightly guilty. However, if Lauren Chapple threatens your life, you do it.

Let's see...What else? What else? I've been taking the last few months to reconnect with old friends--friends from BPC and Starbucks mostly with help from the almighty Facebook. It feels nice. I spent a long time hiding from everyone and now I'm back. :D

Still on the job hunt, but that's nothing new. I'm being productive though. I go to resume workshops and interview workshops and workshops about workshops...P.S. I hate workshops. They tell us that it's not us, it's the economy. We'll go with that. If nothing comes up, I'll probably go back to Starbucks, as I miss the free coffee.

I've also been going to my bipolar/mental health support group. That's lovely. I met a lot of people and it's nice to know that I have an outlet to work out my issues. I really can't date right now. That's lesson numero uno. As much as I'd like to and as much I am tempted by certain girls (Le sigh), I really need to sort out some things before I go that route.

But alas not much to report. Just going out with friends and taking it day by day. Sorry for the boring post, but I don't have much to complain about, but don't worry I'm sure I'll find something that will chap my ass eventually.

Later,
T

November 3rd, 2009

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To all my friends, battling through life. I love you.

True Colors
Cindy Lauper

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

October 21st, 2009

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I would like to thank the following people for being awesome:
Meg
Brandon
Kris Green
Cooch
Meech

My gparents (all 8 of them)
My mom
My Papi


That is all.

October 14th, 2009

The latest.

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Woke up today and was able to breathe due to the amazing invention that is the "Breathe-Right Strip."
I've always been a horrible snorer (Don't think that's a word...but oh well)
Ate an english muffin with peanut butter and banana which always makes me think of Face from Nick Jr.
Walked Lucy, the blind Chow who I love more than life.
Somehow she has a lack of concern for oncoming vehicles, which scares me.
Showered with my new body wash...that makes me feel so clean and fresh.
Job-searched...ew.
No bites yet. Laaaaame. (Damn you recession!)
Went to the library to sign up for resume and interview classes...doesn't hurt. I've been out of the job loop for a while.
Ate lunch with Grams at our favorite little coffee shop.
Turkey and brie panini with caramelized onions and slice apples...omg.
Went to the thrift store to add the finishing touches on my costume.
I'm going as an 80s zombie for Halloween.
My liquid latex should be in today. My make up is going to be the balls! (Not literally)
Didn't find anything to zombify myself, but I did get army stuff for the AIDS benefit next month...military theme. Bah!
Everything was half off so I spent $1.50. Woot!
Went to Payless because it' the magical time of year I like to call BOGO!
I bought a pair of silver flats, a hot pair of red heels, a new pair of sunnies, and a cute hat.
I spent $25.00...booya!
Grams bought me a purse to match my shoes. Equally hot.
After that we came home and cooked. I heart cooking lately.
...Especially with a fully stocked kitchen. So many spices!
I made salad with chicken, walnuts, bean sprouts, spinach, and honey mustard that I made with dill. Yuuum.
Then we watched "The Mothman Prophecies"...loved it.
Then it was up to bed to watch the new episode of South Park and Secret Girlfriend.

This weekend Papi's picking me up to hang out.
I spend the weekends in Rockland now.
It's my time to enjoy being in the real world.
I get to drive, see friends, etc.
Middleboro is my retreat while I'm in "recovery."

I'm going to hang with Mamma at Deanne's.
Hopefully she can keep her eyes of the Keno screen and talk to me for five minutes.  Love her, but paalease.
Also, I'm hanging with the fabulous Meggy to go to Sonic and pick pumpkins and apples
I'm a Sonic virgin, so I'm ultra excited.
Plus get some Meggy time. Misses her like woaaaa.

Lately I've been learning to appreciate the simple things.
Walks in the woods, conversations with my wise grandfather, cooking with Grams, laughing with my mom, and watching movies with Papi.
I watch birds now and read books.
I go to church and pray to God.
He's given me a chance at life again.
The dream job will come.
I will find another apartment.
The love of my life with show up eventually.
But now, I'm figuring out who I am.

I'm out. Papi's here.

Later bitches!

Love,
Tiff

September 20th, 2009

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It's been a while since I've written anything, but so many changes have taken place. Here I am again, trying to reclaim my life. So far, it's worked. It's been three weeks since overdosed. Yes, that's right. It's out in the open. I tried to kill myself. I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff because I don't feel it's anybody's business. However I have so much pride in the transformation I have made over the past month, that I wanted to share it. That, and I'm tired of pushing everyone away. I just want to shout from the rooftops, "I am happy!" For the first time in years, I am happy! I feel so good. I'm asking for help, taking my bipolar meds, talking to my family, saying I love you, hugging, laughing, crying...I'm breathing. I have even quit drinking and doing drugs. I'm taking it day by day and things aren't perfect and never will be, but I'm accepting that. I'm not done recovering and I realize at any point I could relapse, but I made a promise to my family and to myself that I will never get off my meds again and that I would learn to love myself. I'll never be the person I was in college, no matter how much I miss her. But I can be the person I want to be--the funny, outgoing, House-obsessed, family-loving woman who adores life.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but it's about today. It's like that old expression: "It is the journey, not the destination."




Sober
by Pink


I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?


August 4th, 2009

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Why do I do this? I've bottled up so much shit.

I am:

Mad at one of my best friends for not telling me that she went off and got herself married.
Pissed at myself for letting things get out of control.
Angry at my family for not giving two shits about my dad when he needs them the most.
Scared because I have no idea where I'm going in life.
Annoyed because I had the future in my fucking hands and I blew it.
Aggravated because I'm still fat even though I said I was going to lose weight.
Rip shit because the past few days all I've done was hated on myself, that's effected the way I treat others.
And I don't want to be that person, so I've been staying alone.


I just want to win tons of money and fly the fuck away from here, so no one will have to deal with me and my stupidity.

Phew...that felt good.

July 26th, 2009

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If I could just not fuck up the amazing second chance I've been given, then I think I'll be alright. :)

 

Thanks for sticking with me, friends. Just remember that no matter how far I wander I will always be back.
 

July 19th, 2009

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This is going to be a long one, because for so long, I've buried everything beneath and some things just need to get out there. This weekend has drained me. I've come to many conclusions and decisions that I didn't know I'd come to in two days. So here goes.

This weekend I went to my grandmother's birthday party. My uncle's wife pulled me aside to let me know some things. Apparently while I was in the hospital, my mom was saying things about me--that I was being overdramatic, and that I should be in her shoes, since her house was in foreclosure due to to a bad investment. When I got back from this heart to heart, I wanted to cry. I had been stabbed in the back by my own mom. How could she do this to me? Why would she do this?  I was cold to after. I talked to my dad, who basically laid it out for me, "She's jealous, Tiff because for a moment you had the attention she was craving." I just kept repeating, "But she's my mom..." This morning, Papi called to let me know that he had a long conversation with her and to warn me that she would be calling. Ten minutes later, she did. I told her flat out, that I couldn't trust her, that she took a vulnerable moment in my life and distorted it to meet her own needs for attention. Furthermore, I told her I was sick of being her keeping. "It's great knowing Debbie and all, but I want my Mom." She promised she would change and told me that I had "woken her up." Seeing as this was the second conversation we've had, I told her, "You have one more chance. This is it." Then I told her I loved her, but I needed her to love me back, to say she loved me and I needed to be able to confide in her as a daughter would. We'll see.

I've learned a lot about my family and what it takes to love someone more than you love yourself. If it were anybody else that had done this to me, they would have been written off...delete, delete. But with family it's so different. You can't do that. I love my mom, but I want her to see what she's doing. I don't want to rub her face in it, but I want her to take responsibility for it, much like a mother would want for her child.

I've also seen the genuine outpouring of love that has come from my relatives and obviously my friends as well. This was never an attention-seeking act, but in all honesty, it's nice to hear that people are happy you're alive. Its feels good, makes you want to keep progressing, growing. It makes me never want to return to that place I was in a few months ago and as much as I love it, I will love getting out of this room where my memories are written all over the walls...

Which brings me to this: It is with mixed emotions that I "announce" I'm moving out of Quincy. Meg deserves a better roommate and I need a fresh start. I'm excited for the opportunities that lay ahead of me, but this is definitely the end of an era. Meg is my favorite person on the face of the earth and the memories we've shared both good and bad, I will take with me wherever I go. She is my wifey and I have nothing but love for her and that big heart of her's. I quit MW and will collect unemployment (Don't ask how I managed to do that...blow jobs may have transpired...lol) I am going to live my grandfather and his wife in the countryside (aka Middleborough) until I: A.) Hear back from Perkins School for the Blind regarding their live-in assistant teaching position or B.) Find a live-in nanny position somewhere. I'm scared for the future, but excited that I have one. However fearful I may be, it can't be any worse than where I've been. I'm just thinking positive for now.  That's all I can do.

I guess for the first in a while, I'm waking from my coma. And I choose to live.

Forever your free spirit,
Tiffany L. Phillips
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